Promises
Spoken
I think it’s so cool how God uses My Utmost so often to speak to me in moments when I need it the most. Somehow in the past few weeks I’ve forgotten that God uses the hard times to refine my character and draw me closer to Him. I’ve been so caught up in my current circumstances that I almost lost sight of the big picture. Thankfully, today’s devotional was a healthy reminder why I’m going through what I am. I’ve felt the temptation to turn bitter because of my circumstances, and in the valleys of life that can very well happen. I remember a time when I allowed it to happen, and it took a whole eight months for me to finally come back to the Lord with a new, softened heart.
I don’t want to make that mistake again, and God reminded me of that today. Thank you Jesus, for protecting my heart.
Zephaniah 3:20
I am so weak and tired. If I’ve learned anything these past six months, that is it. There are some days when the hardship seems to quell for moments, and then there are other days when it feels like an overwhelming torrent of suffering. I just can’t do it alone, and I know that I have to rely on God to get through all of this.
Today is just one of those days where I want to scream on the top of my lungs out of sheer frustration and sorrow. I know that deep down I need to trust God with all this, the only problem is that I’m so, so tired. Please carry me Jesus.
Scattered thoughts
Looking around in the vast landscape of my life right now, seeing where I came from and where I’m going, I’m forced to wonder how I got here. It is the times where I get so caught up in my present situation, focusing so narrowly on the dot of my life where I currently stand, that I question if I made the right decisions.
It seems to happen a lot, not just with me but a lot of the guys also. “You wonder if you messed up your life, don’t you?” one of my team members asks, “don’t worry, it’s ok to admit it, I wonder all the time myself.” We’re all in the same boat, and a sergeant who was leaving the company today said to us, “don’t let this place drain you guys, I know that it’s tough to stay motivated, but you’ll get there.”
Promising.
I guess I’ve just been thrown for a spin. This wasn’t exactly what I signed up for. I never expected to be running around in the forest playing laser tag while all of my other brothers in arms are deploying into harms way. Of course, my parents could breathe a sigh of relief because I won’t deploy, which is totally understandable. I would be the same way if I had a kid and he was in the Army.
Truth be told, I can’t focus on just my little perspective at the moment. I can’t focus on the drudgery of day to day life here, the bleakness that it brings, and the sheer lack of spiritual community that I so desperately long for. It’ll destroy me, and I can feel it doing so when I dwell on it too much. Going back to this afternoon, I came so close to wanting to just throw my hands in the air and scream “what’s the use?” I only saw the pain, and nothing beyond it.
What a dangerous perspective to have.
I’ve been feeling like everything I had is slowly slipping away. The friendships I had were fading, the people I knew were moving on through life. How can I blame them though? People’s lives intertwine and split all the time, it’s just a fact of life. I described it to a friend the other day as holding a tray full of food and drinks. Once it begins to tip, the drink falls off, and before you know it, everything starts to slide off and all you can do is just watch it all go down.
Fighting to hold on to friendships back home is becoming so tiresome.
I found comfort in knowing that what I do contributes to their safekeeping. I would throw myself in front of any one of my family members or friends to take a bullet if I could. I don’t mind one bit fighting on their behalf, I guess it’s just a God-given trait that’s been engrained in me. A gift from the Lord to be able to understand just a little bit as to how He could die for the world’s sins.
It’s such a lonely lifestyle though. I can only imagine how Christ felt as He cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
The pain of separation is what gets me, but I understand that it’s necessary in this line of work, even if right now I’m not on the front lines.
Enough of the self-pity though. This was the decision I made, and there is no use looking back. What I really need to do is keep the larger perspective and hope in God’s grand plan. He is the one who calls the shots, the one who signs off on everything, the one who is writing the beautiful story of His redemption of the human race.
All I ask is that people not to take what they have for granted. But hey, they can if they want, it’s their freedom to choose. I know I won’t be able to ever again after this.
If I had one last day…
I was just listening to KLOVE (like literally 10 seconds ago) and they asked, “what would you do if this was your last day on earth?” I honestly could not answer this question because I’m so far away from home, and in some ways, saddens me. Ever since I’ve joined the Army, I’ve had to constantly fight to believe that this is exactly where God has me despite the hardships, and sometimes the negative side wins over.
Let me try to answer the question though. If I couldn’t get a flight home, I would probably wind up calling my family and as many of my friends as possible, giving them whatever encouragement I could until it was time to go. I would tell them to not waste this life, because it is much too short. I would tell them to look at what they do have, including all the freedoms they have in this country, because the price people pay for it is much too high to take for granted. I would tell them to love their friends and family, to be an integral part of their lives, because there just isn’t enough time in life to put it off another day. I would tell them that staying angry at loved ones isn’t worth it, because they could be gone in an instant. I would tell them to not worry about the things they can not change and work on the things that they can. I would tell them to not dwell on their regrets, to let simply learn from them and forgive ourselves, because God has. I would tell them to hang on to that thread of faith in hard times, because God is using them and moving in their lives more than they could ever imagine. Above all, I would tell them to bask in the love of God, knowing that their worth to Him was shown when He gave His own life to save ours.
I guess that’s what I would do if I couldn’t get home. If I could, I would say those things to them in person ;)
Limbo
It’s funny how people always say that the grass is never greener on the other side, yet pretty much everyone still thinks so. I’ll admit, I’m a victim of that thinking trap, and I find that it makes me desiring more and concentrating on what I don’t have rather than what I do. Being where I’m at now has definitely shown me what I did have, which is a huge blessing because I couldn’t take those things for granted anymore. I don’t think I could have ever seen it unless I was taken out of it.
I need to switch subjects, my thoughts aren’t flowing well and I feel like I was slowly crashing that paragraph.
I’m in a weird spot in life right now. I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily a rut, but I don’t feel like I’m making any progress either (although “progress” can be defined in so many different ways). I’m kind of in this period of waiting, although I’m not exactly sure how to explain it. Let’s see. From April though October of last year, God had immersed me in a movement/ministry He was brewing called PhoenixONE. During that time, I was able to invest so much into people with regards to developing strong friendships, being with people through their hard times, celebrating with them in the good. From October through about a month ago, I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above the water, with the waves continually dragging me under. Life was extremely difficult, I was hanging on with a thread of faith, longing desperately for home and Home, realizing how much God had blessed me my entire life. Now I’m in a spot somewhere between those two times, a spot where it’s neither really good, nor really difficult.
The thing is, I’ve been here before.
Last time I was in this period of waiting, it between the time I moved up to Phoenix in November 2010 and April 2011, right before I began serving in that ministry. I was in a period of waiting, I didn’t know for how long, or what I was doing, I only knew that I was waiting. The problem was that I became restless, I began to wonder what I was doing with my life. I woke up in the morning, went to work, came home, got ready for the next day, then went to sleep. Rinse and repeat. Life had no…spice. I felt like I was going nowhere. I questioned why God had me there. Then I began trying to get myself out of that rut by looking at things I could do “more” with my life. I could try to go overseas and fight human trafficking in Indonesia. I could join the Air Force and go into Pararescue. I could go to Africa and work at an orphanage. I was not satisfied, and I became impatient.
Finally I got a call from the Army asking if I wanted to join. Right away I decided to begin the enlistment process. I took the ASVAB, got my physical, picked my MOS, and three weeks later, I had enlisted in the United States Army. Oh the things I would do in the Army! In my mind, I imagined going on great adventures with God being right there with me. I joined believing I would get deployed, and that I would be able to serve alongside fellow brothers/sisters in arms overseas. I had it all planned out in my mind, and I was set for my new life ahead of me.
God humbles quickly.
I had romanticized what the life of a soldier would be. The reality was completely different. I’m placed in a unit that doesn’t deploy, and in the grand scheme of things, supports other units as they deploy because we provide training for them. In many ways it’s a blessing because my family and friends won’t have to worry about me overseas, but I realize now that it’s a bit of a hit to my ego. It was much needed, because I didn’t even know it was there until it happened, which leaves in a place where I need to focus my gaze fully on the face of God for guidance on what to do in this time of waiting. So far it’s been reading a lot of books and listening to a lot of sermons, which I’m beginning to enjoy a lot.
People have been asking me how they can pray for me, and I think the number one thing I need right now is to begin to “see” God moving, working, loving, etc in everything around me. During the “stormy” season these past few months, I’ve lost a bit of that, only hanging on to that thin thread of faith, and I have the desire to have that continual fellowship from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed again.
And goodness, let me know how I can pray for all of you too! It is a blessing to be able to.
Whispers in the storm
I still remember the last day I moved out of my apartment and headed back to Tucson. As I watched Phoenix disappear in the rearview mirror, sweet memories of my closest friends flooded my mind. All the times we laughed, we cried, we stayed up working way too late, and simply loved each other all rushed back, and my heart broke. I was reminded of how amazing God is, seeing the precious gifts He gave me during those short seven months. He taught me so much through those people, how to give and keep giving, how to love in such ridiculous ways you ask yourself if people actually did things like that for other people, how to love His people in a fierce way that only He can, and finally, how to savor each moment in life, because it could all end in an instant. God is truly good, all the time, even when I had to leave all that behind.
I remember the day I had to ship out for the Army. My first thoughts after the alarm went off was, “it’s time.” I was on the brink of leaving everything I ever knew and headed into the dark unknown. I had left my friends in Phoenix, and now it was time to leave my family behind in Tucson. It wrenched my heart so terribly. I remember hugging each and every one of them, fighting back the tears as they dropped me off in front of the office. I didn’t want to go, relationships have always been incredibly important to me, and it was hard to believe that I was going to leave them all behind, my family and my home.
I remember the last few days before my Christmas block leave ended. I knew what I was headed back to, and I had no idea when I would ever come home again. That second leaving was probably the worst out of the two before. All I knew was that I was going back to Basic, then to Airborne school, then to some post anywhere in the world. I didn’t know if I was going to deploy, where I was going, nothing at all. In that dark cloud of uncertainty, my heart was heavy again as I said goodbye to my loved ones.
Graduation from Basic training was the last time I saw my parents. Right after the ceremony, we were given 10 minutes to tell our parents that we had to board the buses to go to Airborne school. Thankfully, I got to see my parents that night and the next day, but it was so hard to enjoy that time because I knew that they would have to leave me soon.
Each goodbye seemed to tear at my heart, as if it were being dragged across the course ground. Leaving is never easy, and it never gets easier. Yet despite all of it, I know that God has a fierce love for me and is still good. Just because I am in a tough situation doesn’t take away from the truth that God is a loving God. Sometimes knowing that is all that keeps me going. Whenever I begin to doubt, I just remember the family He gave me back home, and the ministry of PhoenixONE, where God showed me His powerful love more than I could ever have imagined.
So as I lay here typing this blog the day before Easter, the day after that same God was willing to be nailed to a cross for my sins and rose from the grave three days later, my heart is still heavy, but I can still have joy in knowing that I serve an amazing God who loves His children fiercely and will do whatever it takes to save us from our own sin.
I can only begin to imagine how lonely Jesus must have felt on the cross when He said, “my God, why have you forsaken me?” Being apart from loved ones, family and friends alike, is so extremely painful, and what Christ must have felt as He hung on the cross was so much worse. He took the fall for mankind, for each person because of His love for us.
I’m not going to lie, life has been hard the past 6-7 months or so. I have continually been pressed to my limits, with misery becoming the norm, but at the same time, I can see how God is building me. He is a good God, and I know that through the storm, He will never leave me.
Throwing out the old (perspectives, that is)
I got new socks to wear with my ACU’s today. Just the standard government issued ones from the store, nothing special. When I brought them back and compared them to old ones I have, I realized that the old ones were really worn out…to the point where I decided to throw them away.
I probably wouldn’t have even known they were worn out had I not had new ones to compare them to. It’s interesting to see how much of an effect comparison has on perspective.
Ok, I have no idea why I mentioned that story, but it did remind me of some of the perspectives I’ve been gaining these past five months or so.
When it comes to comparison, I never truly understood how much God has showered me with blessings until I started Basic Training. Being thrown into a place where I had nothing and stripped of everything I had come to depend on: free time, spiritual community, choice in what to eat, any kind of support system at all, I realized that apart from Christ, there was nothing else secure. I have no real way to convey in words how emotionally stripped I felt. The physical part wasn’t bad at all, but leaving all I had behind, especially loved ones, was much harder than I had imagined it would be.
The blessing in all this (ironic how God takes away blessings to bless yet again) is that when I hit rock bottom, I truly realized that God was all that I had and could depend on, and that no matter what I do or where I go in life, He is always there and always loving, even if He doesn’t “seem” loving. He is the only constant, the only one that is unchanging.
Was that something I always knew? Sure. But it took more than just knowing about it to move it to my heart.
Life is a constant growing process. The hurt is necessary for it.
James 1:2-4 HCSB
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.
